Shame and regrets come in many ways. Seeing your disgraceful behavior repeated by your children is one of the worst. Many years ago, I was in a bad mood due to a disagreement with my wife. At this point, I can’t recall why. Maybe I was justified and maybe I wasn’t. I don’t consider myself a moody person, but then no moody person ever does. In this case, after the argument, I went outside to get away from everyone and visibly pout while working on some project. I wanted my wife to know I was upset about whatever injustice happened to me. This went on for several hours.

This argument happened when we had family in town, and this was usually a time for us to celebrate and have fun. Everyone looked forward to it, especially our kids, because we always planned exciting outings and experiences that we usually didn’t. But for some reason, I felt justified in putting that all in jeopardy. It became clear I was succeeding when my 9-year-old daughter came outside by herself. She was close to me but did not notice I was there or that I could hear her. She was visibly upset, walking glumly and talking to herself, clearly trying to make sense of something bad that had happened. Her excitement for the day had apparently been dashed when everyone changed their plans to accommodate whatever it was that I felt justified in wanting. I listened closely, trying to get more information about what my successful pouting had achieved. But as one could guess, I didn’t hear what I wanted to hear. I heard the truth in a way that can only come from a child. In her sad, slightly whimpering, and confused voice I heard her say something I will never forget: “When dad’s in a bad mood, everyone has to be in a bad mood.”

What had I done? In my emotional battle with my wife, I employed tactics that had greater power than I understood or intended. I never wanted to steal my daughter’s joy and excitement; she was completely innocent. But now she was collateral damage. They all were. Shame washed over me, and I became sick to my stomach at the sudden realization of what an ass I had been. Was this really the lesson I wanted my daughter to learn from my silent pouting protest? I realized then in stark reality how important role-modeling behavior really is. Had I been constructive and positive in the face of a disagreement she may have had a completely different takeaway from the day’s events. Likely a takeaway I could be proud of.

Unfortunately, that experience did not change me overnight, and through the years I probably employed the same tactics again out of habit or anger. I have even seen my kids use the same tactics, no doubt borrowed from me, and revisited that guilt and shame every time. They say we learn more from our mistakes and I believe it as I continue to learn from the encounter. Next time you’re in a bad mood and feel the need to take it out on someone else, take a moment to realize the bigger impact you may have on others.

P.S.

Hi, this is the author.  If you like this story please read a bit further.  We are living in a time where many are experiencing a crisis of the soul. They have either forgotten or have never learned important life lessons and they may be isolated and alone getting the vast majority of their interaction through the internet and social media. Social media is a powerful way of communicating but unfortunately, we tend to show only the sensational stuff, pictures of good times and successes.  I like to see these too but when all we see is people living the high life we can’t help but compare ourselves to them, or at least, what we see of them. Our mundane and problematic life seems inferior and even pathetic. For some, especially young people, this is very dangerous and can contribute to serious depression.  I believe we can help change this.

Like you, I have learned a lot of hard lessons in life and paid a lot in stupid tax. Some people say they have no regrets. Not me, I have plenty. I don’t want to repeat them or have others make the same mistakes. As humans we are social creatures, we are meant to sit by the fire and share stories of our triumphs and failures as a way of passing down our lessons learned to make the next generation smarter and more prepared. As we get older we have an obligation to pass down our stories to the next generation and they have an obligation to learn from them. This is the fundamental foundation of all human societies since the first campfire.

By sharing our stories we can do something to help those who are in crisis, perhaps it’s a small thing, but for the one person that needs to hear that story, it can have a huge impact. Through a real story, from a real person, they can know they’re not alone and they can learn from our mistakes. It is through these stories we make meaningful connections to other people.

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